Honest blog: I don’t know where I’m going, only that I must go

I was one of those people who couldn’t write a New Year’s Eve message. One of those reflective posts about 2015’s ups and downs and what I was looking forward to in 2016. I couldn’t, because I was weighed down by how overwhelmingly unhappy I’ve felt about my life for the last two years. Although I was already trying to make changes by then, I felt entirely hopeless. Then something happened a few days later that catapulted me into a greater unknown, but it wasn’t a hopeless place.

I’ve been miserable at my workplace for two years now. I’ve experienced some very unpleasant things there, and I’m better off not giving too much detail about it all. Suffice it to say, it’s been a difficult time, and I’ve lost my sense of self so incredibly much.

Aside from the fact that I work a weekend day every week, or other week, I’ve also been more distant from my family and friends. I’ve missed so many social gatherings, opportunities to travel, and time I could have spent with my family who all live abroad.

In a state of constant exhaustion, I’ve also fallen out of touch with the things that I love, and the things that have always defined me. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a short story, or finished a book, or took time to make something, or draw. When I get a chance to meet with friends, it takes every ounce of strength to step out of my front door.

Worse than all of that, is that in the last four years my OCD and Anxiety have spiralled, and I’ve had more panic attacks in the last three months than I’ve had in the last three years. I barely sleep or eat, I’ve lost so much weight in the last month alone, and my hair is falling out due to stress.

A lot of things pointed towards me leaving my job, more so in the last few weeks. I spent time with two of my best friends, and we talked about how negative a person I had become. I talked to my sisters and my parents, and they said the same thing. But until then, it had never been so clear to me.

So I made the decision to leave my job. And today, I quit.

I have a lot of fear in me, and doubts about what I’ve decided. But I also feel a sense of relief I haven’t felt in years. I feel like I can breathe. I don’t believe I’ve made a bad decision, and it wasn’t a spontaneous one either.

I recognise my own responsibility in all of this. The more I truly listen to my own fears and feelings, I realise I’m as much at fault for letting things become this bad. I’m responsible for my own happiness. I might not be able to control circumstances but I can control and influence my reactions and how I cope.

I came across an interview the other day of Hannah Pixie Sykes conducted by Sophie Eggleton, and Hannah said, “it’s not about the pursuit of happiness, it’s about happiness in the now.” I’m going to try to keep that thought close at hand.

There’s always a silver lining. For a little while I hope, I’ll have more free time to dedicate to my blog and networking. 

Because in all of this, it’s been one of the few things that has kept me sane.